Moving On

I told myself I wasn't going to write this one.  What a dirty little liar I am.  In the weeks since the failure, I've been fine.  I know I've said that before, but it really has been okay. It seems all of this couldn't have come at a better time.  I've had a lot of time to prepare to swallow the pill of childlessness, after all, and I think I'm going to be able to do it.

So for those of you who thought there may be a chance to change my mind, there isn't.  I'm not going to close the door completely and if another $15,000 falls into my lap and I'm not completely cynical still, I may entertain the idea for two seconds.  Who knows, maybe there's a lone eggie that actually works just waiting to ovulate but I'm not holding out hope for that.  I've boxed up my OPK's, HPT's, BBT and every other acronym of TTC.  I've also boxed the baby hat I made and the Pink Floyd onesie.  My TTC and baby books are gone too.  I no longer have Babycenter bookmarked and I've deleted every baby wish list I had.  I still see things from time to time and I simply say "meh" and move on.  I may call an ad executive a "bastard" here and there for putting too many child-oriented ads in my magazine but I'm still working on getting over that part.  I need to get to a point where I realize that children and the things that go with them just don't apply to me.  Somewhat like vegan cuisine or AARP memberships.  I need to just not care.  I'll let you know if that ever happens.  Or perhaps I won't, because I just won't give a shit anymore.

Now don't think that I've lost all happiness.  On the contrary, I'm learning to be happy without the one thing I've wanted for so long.  My priorities are changing.  I'm finding the silver lining amidst the shit hand I've been given and realizing that I might be content being just who I am, even if that person isn't called "Mom" by at least one other being with opposable thumbs.  I've always said that women should not be one thing or another, but a vibrant sum of many multi-faceted parts.  I may be missing one bit... but I hope to flourish in the others.

All that said... if, by some miracle, you've enjoyed following my path not for the knowledge it contains but because you've just grown to love my wit, charm and super-classy lexicon, feel free to join me on the blog about something I'm passionate about that's not ripping my heart out on a daily basis... food.  And good food at that.  Stay tuned... I'll have the new link up shortly.